Hello, world. I’m still here, wherever that is. With moving our family of 6 to a different city in a home with about 1000sqft LESS space, surviving the holiday season, and surviving the wave of family illnesses from cold and flu season, it is nice to finally feel like life might be settling down… (Or is that just wishful thinking?) It’s been a while since I wrote on here… this quiet, inconsequential little blog which nobody reads except for me. So, if you’re here, then thanks. Maybe you can help me out with my current mode of thought.
I’m not a pro at giving advice when you feel inadequate. I’m more of a pro at suffering from the feelings of inadequacy more than anything else. Tonight is one of those moments, in fact. Here I sit on the edge of my bed, wishing for something to drown my sorrows in besides my own tears. I have Joshua Radin playing on my speakers to help me try to drown out the crazy inside my head. If I was a drinker, tonight would be a whole bottle of something. Too bad, eh? The only thing I have going for me tonight is the warm cat who rarely leaves my side. He needs comfort almost as often as I do. His name is Spectre and he was hit by a car last Thanksgiving. Thank heaven for wonderful veterinarians who excel in their callings. He survived a compound fracture in his leg along with a few other life-threatening complications. Two weeks later, he came home to me a semi-new kitty cat, fully grown (did I mention he isn’t even a full year old yet?) and feisty as ever. Well, enough about that, anyway. Not many people enjoy listing or reading about the rants of an emotional woman with a cat. Hah!
Tonight I have been stuck. I’m trudging in thought and self pity. There’s too much for my brain to handle, sometimes. I wonder, constantly, if I am juggling too many roles in my life. This is what I do every few months– I keep it all together for as long as I can (never letting on to my family or my peers just how much I am struggling or in need of a boost) until something happens (a teensy lovers’ quarrel, for example) which causes me to drop every ball I had in the air. I tried to keep it all inside. I tried to hold all the pieces together. But the truth is that the only thing I have ever been good at is doubting in myself. I can’t help it. I’m super awesome at hiding my insecurities on my good days, but the truth is always in plain sight to those who choose to look deeper.
Wouldn’t it figure the water works finally broke through when I was sulking on the internet and stumbled across this picture on my news feed:
It kills me. I have so many moments like that, but right now I’m so darn tired. I don’t really feel much purpose. I don’t really feel much of anything except anxiety. The problem is my sense of inadequacy. And I don’t even have any advice for you tonight. But if you’re there right now too, then at least I can say that you are not alone. I guess that’s the beauty of the picture anyway.
Even in the moments when you feel completely alone and invisible, at least you can know that there’s One who will never forget about you and the sacrifices you make for the ones you love, no matter how great or small.
Just keep pushing. God believes in you. I do too.