SGFB Entry 4
The sad truth is this: In response to my last post, momentum was unable to be maintained quite yet. This makes me absolutely crazy.
You have to know something about Old Me in order to understand why Now Me is always so critical of not being able to be the New Me I so desperately want to be. I come from a family of naturally talented people. Intelligence, talent, and instinct run deep with all of my family members. I say this purely objectively. My siblings are absolutely amazing and brilliant in so many ways. It used to be maddening that I didn’t feel quite as awesome as i think that they are, but I can say that I was happy with who I was in spite of my own flaws. I used to be able to excel in almost everything that I attempted. If I didnt, then I simply had to try again and I could usually get things right on the second try.
That was Old Me. Now Me is a pathetic shadow of that person. I’m not used to failure. But now the most frequent thing I do is fail. I don’t just fail, I fail spectacularly. And then I internalize it and rip myself to shreds for a few weeks. Getting up and brushing myself off is not as easy as it once was. I usually go through a phase of self inflicted criticism and guilt before I can mentally reboot and try again.
As of right now: My endocrine system is still very fragile and I am working closely with my doctor to find out why I lack muscular endurance and struggle with regular energy maintenance. Even though my thyroid hoemone levels are looking pretty dang good lately and I have developed a pretty good system for hormone maintenance as well as heart and body health, he and I can tell that my puzzle is incomplete somehow. I told him that I keep telling myself that I just need to exercise and use energy in order to create the amount of energy I have missed for so long. He just shook his head and reminded me that it is equally important to not push too hard and over do it, which is what I have done.
What this means: It is good to have goals, but do not push yourself too hard! To channel a much loved scripture one of my district leaders once told me during my mission, here is the secret to long term success:
It is not requisite that a man run faster than he have strength. (Mosiah 4:27)
Admittedly, I have always been a bit of a control freak in my personal life and a bit of an overachiever in my goals. It is exhausting and often annoying to my husband because of how critical I can be.
Right now it makes me crazy because I don’t like having to admit that I am not strong enough to go at the pace that I want to, or to run faster than I have strength.
This means that instead of maintaining momentum, I need to first find balance. Where I will find it, I am not sure yet. But I will. It’s time to brush myself off, find a better approach, and start again.
(Visit back soon to read my 5th entry in my Skinny Girl/Fat Body series and you’ll find an opportunity to celebrate with me on my journey to New Me.)